All through my using & drinking and in my struggles in recovery I had this illusion of power. In the beginning when my disease would go into the dormant stage (being pregnant, running out of money, etc.) I would tell myself it wasn’t so bad. I had it under control. But when I picked up again I was off to the races. At times I would put into place different strategies such as: changing what I drank, eating before I drank, trying only to use on weekends, only buying a gram or two, the list goes on. I had no control but my twisted mind would try to tell me otherwise. And once I picked the first drink or drug up and that phenomenon of craving kicked in, the bottles got larger and I was using on a more consistent basis. In recovery this illusion of power became even more evident to me. Unfortunately I had go out to do some more experimentation a few times before I really understood. I would come into 12-step meetings with the gift of desperation and tell myself I was protected by doing ONLY meetings and service but taking my time to do the Steps. What I didn’t realize is that my thinking is, for lack of a better term, f@#%^d and without any defense from a Higher Power my mind would twist and I would find a reason to pick up again. That happened to me without fail.

 

As a result of my using and drinking I had to quit college, did a geographical change, tried to take my life many times, was committed to the Psychiatric Hospital, sent to rehab for 6 months, got into car accidents, and ended up in the Hospital from a bad accident. And the behaviours: lying and stealing, hiding bottles in the house, selling my body, neglecting my child, completely paranoid and peeping out of windows for hours, driving completely drunk and high, overdosing, feeling completely worthless, hopeless and wanting to stop but I could not no matter what I tried. Why do I bring these consequences up? I would not remember those consequences or vaguely remember them and my mind would justify why this time it would be different. When I would come into recovery and take my time to do the Steps, after 8 months, after 9 months, after 3 ½ years this happened to me. I had no defense.

 

I then realized that as my thinking is so twisted that I had no power. That mental twist can happen at any time. I needed to have that spiritual experience that is able to give me the psychic change that I needed through the power of my Higher Power. I didn’t have the solution. That illusion was smashed. When I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him that meant I was committing to do the rest of the work. How can I truly turn my will and my life over and maintain my spiritual condition on a daily basis if I still have all the bull%#!t blocking me? As my Sponsor calls it, “shit fruits” that are rooted in self: anger, fear, self-centeredness, self-delusion, self-pity, resentments, guilt, loneliness, irritability, the list is endless. I can’t.

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I don’t want to slip back into the illusion of power so I utilize the tools found in Steps 6 and 7 and 10 – 12 to keep me connected to my Higher Power on a daily basis and, most importantly, be of service to others. My life becomes aligned with my Higher Power’s will. It no longer becomes about me and the beauty of that is that it helps my recovery as well. Do I follow my Higher Power's will perfectly? Am I selfless 24/7? No, but with my daily connection to my Higher Power selfless things are happening more often than not. And that, at times, brings me almost to the brink of tears. It is with truly surrendering that I was filled with power.